It's Odd...

It’s odd.
I hate these chains that at other times feel like smooth honey crawling over my skin.
I hate these voices that at other times make me love the state I’m in and the person I am.
I hate the taste of life in my mouth that at other times makes me ecstatic and filled with rapture and harmony.
I hate these feelings that at other times are the secret ingredients to my pure joy and give me the feeling of wings on my back.
I hate these three empty words I speak that at other times are so full of meaning and passion.
I hate the hopes of my mind that at other times are just tiny components of a series of pleasurable and memorable moments.
I hate the person inside of me. And I hate most people around me.
Take me away to where the essence of life has been created and is being carried on today.
Take me back to a time with more work and more love and more discipline and more balance.
Carry me on the high horse of Heaven to a place where I can find myself in.
The meaning of true happiness will never again be my companion, for I have become a person with other principles and morals that were not identified till now. I expect too much.

An Epiphany... sort of...

I think I should not be dealing with people. it's hurtful to them. and hurtful to me to see how i hurt them again and again. i have lost the ability to appreciate others. i have lost the ability to save others. i have lost the ability to adapt to others. i have lost the ability to thank others. i have lost the ability to give in to others. it is my own fault. i can sit awake nights convincing myself that certain people in my life have made me that way, but it's just not true. i have at some point decided subconsciously that that's the way i'm going to be. i cannot remember when or how, but it happened. and it's killing me now. watch me emotionally isolate myself further and further away from others, because i can't jump over the wall i have built. the invisible wall that has firstly made me unable to express how i feel or how i should feel, and secondly has turned me into a person as cold and selfish as Cain was to Abel. i do not believe in any good will that could come from inside me. all i seek is unlimited freedom and obedience. and i hope by God that i won't be granted any of that until i change my ways. Amen.