An Epiphany... sort of...

I think I should not be dealing with people. it's hurtful to them. and hurtful to me to see how i hurt them again and again. i have lost the ability to appreciate others. i have lost the ability to save others. i have lost the ability to adapt to others. i have lost the ability to thank others. i have lost the ability to give in to others. it is my own fault. i can sit awake nights convincing myself that certain people in my life have made me that way, but it's just not true. i have at some point decided subconsciously that that's the way i'm going to be. i cannot remember when or how, but it happened. and it's killing me now. watch me emotionally isolate myself further and further away from others, because i can't jump over the wall i have built. the invisible wall that has firstly made me unable to express how i feel or how i should feel, and secondly has turned me into a person as cold and selfish as Cain was to Abel. i do not believe in any good will that could come from inside me. all i seek is unlimited freedom and obedience. and i hope by God that i won't be granted any of that until i change my ways. Amen.